Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Crashing down

Today is a day that has been rather confusing and upsetting at he same time, and the only place I thought I could express my feelings is here. Sometimes this blog can be like a diary.

Since Just before Christmas every thing seems to just happen, and seems to get worse from having shingles to my granddad passing away, to break ups.

Just when I thought I had found something and someone that made me happy and got on with leo, it was all shattered again..

Starting to feel like im cursed or something, my whole dating situation has always been a total disaster, with me always ending up with men who hurt me, lie, cheat or abuse me..

This time I thought things were different that, I had finally meet someone who would actually love, respect and want to be with me, and look after leo and I.

I spent time with someone who I found amazing, who I didn't need to talk to, who I could just look at and who made me smile so much, who I could just be myself with. Someone where every minute with them was fun. Where you could hug, hold hands and kiss and that meant everything.

Following a amazing weekend, it all came crashing down.

The big " lets be friends" message came, followed by telling me not to wait for them ... well hello what do you want me to do, when I feel I have meet the person for me, and the 1 person who in many years makes me feel the way I do.. just say ok next please.

It might be simple for some men or women to just cut ties and move on like there waiting for the next bus or train but sadly for me, I have feelings and they run pretty deep, deeper than I sometimes wish they didn't, and as hard as it maybe sometimes I simply can not just say ok and walk away, forgetting all the good times that came along with it.

While I say I will be there for someone there is only so long you can be there for someone, and unless they make it obvious they want you in there life, and want you to be part of something there is not much you can do.

I often pride myself on being a open book, not hiding things, being honest and truthful , yes it gets me into trouble at times. However those around me love that about me.

This was a time to lie all my cards out on the table, I had no moves to offer, all my lifes had been used up.. the only person in control holds all the cards to my heart.

Now there is nothing left for me to do, other than give the time that's needed and support if its asked for.. As much as I wish to contact them , I know that if im needed they no where I am and how to contact me, that for now my feelings are as strong as they can be, but that they are no useless, unless that person needs or wants them.

You can not change or persuade anyone to feel anything for you. It happens on there terms, some people get it un expected and can sometimes scare them or catch them off guard. They have to be able to know what there feeling in order for things to work out.

who knows where all this is going to take me but all I know is that unless you love yourself, you cant expect others to want to love you.

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